NEW YORK — You think your dog loves you? Of course he does — he’s happy you exist as long as you feed him and let him sit on the couch cushion you pretend is “yours.” But there are lines even your dumbass dog knows not to cross.
A recent piece in HuffPost tried to give grown-up advice on having sex in front of your dog…
Yes, someone out there thought it needed explaining. Let’s be clear: your mutt doesn’t need a front-row seat to your bedroom theatrics. He’s not Oprah handing out orgasms. He’s a creature with simple needs: snacks, belly rubs, and the occasional walk so he doesn’t shit on your carpet.
This isn’t some avant-garde performance art. It’s just awkward for everyone involved. Dogs don’t blush, but if they did, your golden retriever would be deep-red, trying to figure out why you’ve suddenly mistaken your living room for a bad porno set.
Listen to the professionals. Keep your sex life human-to-human, and let the dog enjoy the mystery like he already does when you disappear into the bathroom for five minutes. Some things are better left unseen — for your sake, and for the dignity of everyone’s four-legged friend.
And for Christ’s sakes, don’t masturbate in front of him, either. That’s just gross for everyone involved. Even for me, and I’m not even there. I wanna barf just thinking about it.
Here’s the full HuffPost article if you want to see how they framed the conversation:
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/having-sex-in-front-of-dog-advice_l_6995f0efe4b0cc086c6c2cd7
