About a year ago I got some great butthole maintenance advice from a porn star who’s been doing anal stuff for years. She’s a legend. Her anus has seen more traffic than I-95 South to Florida — sometimes two lanes at once. And I just wanted to share my good fortune…
I sit a lot, sometimes 16-18 hours a day in front of a screen and while I do take frequent breaks and exercise, hemorrhoids can be an issue. In fact, for a couple of years, they were a major issue. I’m talking potential surgery here.
That is, until she told me what to do.
DON’T DRY WIPE
First, she suggested always using baby wipes. After you shit, wipe first with a baby wipe. Then you can use some dampened toilet paper to continue to wipe until clean, so long as you dampen it with COLD water. (You won’t need to use as much toilet paper once you’ve followed all these steps for a while.) Then do a final wipe with another baby wipe.
Never dry wipe, you might as well sand your asshole with 80-grit sandpaper.
For a while I was using Witch Hazel but turns out, I was using the cheap dollar store Witch Hazel with alcohol in it and was only burning my butthole and irritating it further. The “good” Witch Hazel cost too much. And Tucks and Preparation H pads didn’t seem to help much, either.
LUBE IT UP!
Next, she suggested I keep my butthole lubed up 24/7. Just like your car. Even more so if you have high mileage.
Every time I shower, blow dry it (for real) versus air drying and patting dry to avoid drying out and chapping. Then lube it IN and OUT with hemorrhoid cream, even if you don’t have hemorrhoids, keep it lubed with that.
Don’t be afraid of it.
It’s your butthole, it won’t bite you.
Get that hemorrhoid cream up in there good — one finger, two fingers, whatever fits, whatever’s comfortable. Go around the edges — rim it — like you’re greasing a pan.
If it’s itchy or iritated, get some zinc oxide ointment, like Desitin. The same stuff you put on your kid’s bum when they got diaper rash. Top your asshole off with that.
STAY HYDRATED
Finally, drink lots of water.
Stay hydrated. Like, ridicuously hydrated.
And any time you feel constipated eat something you know will make you shit — for instance, I’m lactose intolerant, so when I feel constipated, I drink a glass of milk and BOOM, everything’s out.
THE “BOTTOM” LINE
Having a greased up butthole 24/7 means your pants won’t chafe it and irritate it while sitting and finally, that and maintaining hydration means every time you shit, everything will just slide right out. You’ll notice you struggle less and your turds start getting fuller and individually more productive.
Fast forward almost one year to the day, and I haven’t had a hemorrhoid issue for more than six months. My turds have gone from random, multiple skinnies and chunks, to one or two massive poop logs that are far more satsifying as they exit.
You’re welcome.
—CD
